Jʋsʈ ɑ Ɓoƴ

Wednesday, 31 December 2014

"Party On!"

2015 is upon us!

So to all my friends, best friends and him...

Just a few things to address before I can usher in the new year:

R.I.P. Leelah ~~Josh~~ Alcorn
Heard they found a cure for HIV, if so... ^~^
Hope they find a cure for Ebola soon
Condolences to those involved in the AirAsia tragedy
Thank God for Michael Hoffman's leaked nudes and videos

Party on!

*clink*

ツ | 11:14 am

Sunday, 28 December 2014

"...set the record straight"

With what's been going on the past few days, I'm posting this to set the record straight. To let everyone know what really went on, and not the side that glamorizes me.

I've always been self-centered and never really spared a thought for others. I'm the reason why Alex and David left me. I am to blame for driving them to the point where they couldn't take it any longer. Now, I'm about to lose the one person I actually care about, Steven. But before it's too late, I'm doing this in a final, desperate attempt to declare my love for him by telling the truth and nothing but.

True love is all about sacrifice, right? Those are my own words. So I'll risk it all, because I don't want him to suffer in silence, and because I'm tired of all the bullshit excuses that I come up with whenever life hits me in the face. It's time I sac the fuck up.

Here's the back story:

Since birth, I grew up with housemaids. Four of them throughout my life (not altogether at once). I was pampered, spoiled and expected to be served. I never had to lift a finger (up until I was 16) to do chores and was never taught how to cook. That was how I was nurtured. So naturally, I grew up to be quite the brat.

There was another incident that I don't feel comfortable sharing, only a few of my close friends know of. Something traumatic happened to me, and when I told my parents about it, they brushed it off like nothing had ever happened. That particular incident taught me that if you turn a blind eye to a situation, it'll go away - but in reality, it never does. It'll shape your character and mold you into a coward. Someone who runs away from life whenever the going gets tough.

All that I did the past few years was nobody else's fault but my own. I was playing the victim card because it was what I got so used to. I never shouldered any blame because it felt easier to shrug it off like nothing had ever happened. But that's not right. It isn't!

If you cause a problem, you deal with the consequences.

So here I am, without a shred of dignity left in me, saying this - I'm far from perfect. And Steven has done nothing but love me unconditionally. Everything that was said about him in a negative light was part of my childish attempt to victimize myself. I'm not the sweet, innocent Logan that everyone thinks I am. Sure, I may be an interesting twink, but that doesn't excuse my self-absorbed behavior. I'm actually quite fucked up in the head, but it all ends here. I want to be a good person, and not one that is ruled and dictated by alter egos, which is a sad excuse for avoiding yourself... Because I'll soon come to find that I end up avoiding... well, life.

Alex and Steven are the best thing that has ever happened to me (David was a rebound guy for Alex). I may have let one go, but I'm not letting the other walk away. And if that does happen, I'll take full responsibility.

From now on, I do not have ANY alter egos. There's only Zachary (you can still call me Logan, it'll just be an online persona that I'm not going to take seriously from this point on). I won't listen to the voices in my head anymore... because they just tell me what I WANT to hear, not what I NEED to hear.

I do not want any remorse, sympathy or empathy. I just want this post to serve as a wake up call, no more alter egos, no more personalities, it's time to wise up.

Enough is enough.

ツ | 7:53 pm

Saturday, 27 December 2014

"I deserve better"

Starting tomorrow, I'm going to move past this whole ordeal and find some other source of happiness. I've uninstalled IMVU and Chad is working on erasing any attraction I have towards him. It's over. It really is. Let's forsake a promising future where we could have lived out our fantasies together all because we cannot compromise. At this point, I'm neither upset nor mad, I'm simply heartbroken.

But a heart can be mended with new-found love, so yet again, I remain eager and hopeful. I've read somewhere that life is too short, and that I shouldn't ever look back. So... this is it! I'm trudging forward with what's left of my shattered heart, ego and pride.

I deserve better.

"True love is all about sacrifice." I just want to put that out there for anyone who is reading this. Yes, while it may seem unreasonable to fulfill a demand your loved one ask of you, you do it anyway because you love them - without question or reason. Think this seems ridiculous? Well, it doesn't matter because each of us have our own definition of what love is (it's subjective). And if a couple doesn't share the same concept of what love is, then chances are, things will end bitterly (which it did... for me).

Trust me, I know. There'll always be this 'fear' that if you give in too much to someone, they might walk all over you. It's called being "taken advantage of", and I'm all too familiar with that, but a little concession every now and then helps to reassure your partner that his/her feelings matter, especially if your partner is so hung up/bothered by something that you could easily just diminish.

What I went through these past few weeks was utter chaos. I'm looking forward to the new year because it's about time I rake out the old and ring in the new.

To sum up this post (about this break up), I'm just going to say - in fairness - that both of us were at fault. I don't like to dwell in the past, I like to "cut to the chase". If you love someone, you do everything in your power to make him/her/it happy, not be persistent in trying to defend yourself. Because ultimately, you may win the war but you'll still lose the battle, whereas if you take a chance, things might turn out differently. Sure, there will always be the risk of being taken advantage of (him/her/it wanting/expecting more from you), but look at what NOT taking the risk has led to? How much worst can it get?

Everyone got hurt in the end when it could have all been avoided so easily. I've learned my lesson now, so it's time to close this chapter of my life. I knew there was a reason for adapting the persona 'Tyler Chippendale', because I foresaw this happening. I will do everything in my power to preserve my alter ego, 'Logan Withertooth'.

Yet another heartbreak...

Yet another heart ache...

Life becomes less about love, and more about lament.

Take it away, Semisonic.

ツ | 3:29 am

Friday, 26 December 2014

"...no longer your muse"

My head's in turmoil and I don't know what to say, what to do or how to act anymore because whatever I feel doesn't seem to matter. There are things I've said that I wish I could go back in time and retract, because they were said out of spite during a couple of heated arguments that we had, and now it seems like I have lost the right to express myself (which is nobody else's fault but my own).

I hate to say it but it is mentally killing me to not be able to voice my opinion. Rather, it's not that I'm afraid to say what's on my mind, but the harsh response I get from speaking out. All I want is for my opinions to be received tastefully, and for there to not be any aftermath of anger, grief or disappointment whatsoever. I want to be able to confide; to discuss how I feel without it turning into a matter of control and/or jury's diction. But somewhere along the way, I've lost the courage to assert my viewpoint.

*heaves*

The truth - however hard I try to rationalize - is that our honeymoon stage has long been over. It's like that one Katy Perry song (which I am replaying as I am writing this):

"It's time to face the music

I'm no longer your muse"

I don't know what it is, but there seems to be a rift between us. I'm a really instinctive person. I can sense when things just aren't the way they used to be, and I can sort of draw my own conclusions as to why things turned out the way they did. I'm not completely oblivious to everything like I appear to be.

A friend of mine, Karen, gave me an analogy which I think best fits this situation.

As a child, we get mesmerized by the toys we are given to play. So, say a stuffed animal. For the first couple of days/weeks (or even months), we are going to glorify and cherish every second we get to fiddle with this brand new stuffed animal. But eventually, as we grow familiar with what we have, we slowly lose interest in the object that once brought us this newfangled joy from it being modish.

That, combined with the fact that we have had a series of misunderstandings that turned into fiery arguments, one can only imagine...

Needless to say, I shoulder all the blame because the fault's all mine. I am aware that I'm far too different from everyone else. I hold onto the past, and yearn to relive them. I'm trapped in my own little fantasy bubble and I'm way beyond delusional. That's my flaw...

I miss being adored, being cheeky...

I miss being treated like a diamond in the rough...

I miss seeing his face lit up whenever I go on cam...

I miss being the one person he looks forward to talk to each day...

I miss the naughty moments we shared...
I miss being fought for and not easily let go of...
I miss all the little things...

But most importantly,

I miss his smile

I just... I just hope to God, Lucifer and any other omnipresent beings on this accursed universe that this entire post does not come across as an attack, because it isn't meant to be as such. #NoShade

I've been suppressing this for quite some time now, and I'm not one to bottle up how I feel because it would serve as fuel for Kyle's eventual outburst of vengeance.

Welp!

Guess it's time for me to clear the fog on the mirror, sac the fuck up and dive back to reality.

I really... *sigh* I really do love him ._.

ツ | 5:34 am

Thursday, 25 December 2014

"Merry Christmas..."

It's Christmas! I'm not as excited as I had hope to be, but I'm still glad I got to spend the day with stud. This year has been such a roller coaster ride, and I can't wait for 2015.

That's when the real fun begins.

A few weeks back, I bought stud a really cute jumpsuit and it finally arrived. He has been wearing it on cam these past few days and all I can say is that I haven't been able to keep my eyes off him. I hope the key blade necklace I also got him arrives soon.

But for now,

Merry Christmas, everyone!

ツ | 8:17 am

Friday, 19 December 2014

"...in the blink of an eye"

It's scary to think that in the blink of an eye, I could lose the person I love most because of all the voices in my head that steers my mind in one direction, while my heart is pointing in the other. Stud and I have known each other for over a month now and even though things aren't looking so great, I remain hopeful.

I've never really taken the time to appreciate the littlest things he has done for me, like when he has to leave to go to the store or spend time out with his friends and/or family, he would leave his avatar in our private little room on IMVU just so I won't feel so alone.

Speaking of our (not so) private room, he developed it from scratch and surprised me a few weeks earlier (I forgot to post about it).

The room's called [Sanctum] and someday, when I go live with stud and we get a place of our own, we'll build a home together and it just might look a little something like [Sanctum]. Gah, the thought of spending the rest of my life with him makes me feel all peppy inside.

ツ | 6:07 pm

Monday, 15 December 2014

"Ugh"

Ugh.

Too many disagreements...

Too many arguments...

Too many fights...

When will this catastrophic streak end? ._.

ツ | 6:07 am

Monday, 8 December 2014

"...something special and sentimental"

Today is stud's birthday, and also our one-month anniversary.

Earlier this week, I bought him some presents on eBay but I really wanted to make him something special and sentimental.

Took me awhile, but it's finally done. I made him a mixtape!

P.S. He loved it! *squeals*

ツ | 5:54 am

Saturday, 6 December 2014

"...Husky and Toyger"

Someday, stud and I are gonna get a pet Husky and Toyger.

Soon.

ツ | 10:29 pm

Wednesday, 3 December 2014

"...a whole new level"

They say you never really know a person until you learn their fantasies and what they are into. Well today, I did. Stud and I shared all kinds of secrets with each other. I can't talk about it because it gets personal. Real personal! These are the things that we have told no one but each other.

All I can say is that this relationship has taken on a whole new level.

ツ | 3:46 pm

Tuesday, 2 December 2014

"...or history might repeat itself"

Stud and I had our first fight today.

It was over a misunderstanding, over something stupid that isn't even worth mentioning. I won't delve too much into it but here's what happened - I misread something that he had said and started acting out on what I thought he had told me.

It was one of those "I could have sworn he said this..." moments.

Then, I became this obsessive, clingy monster that was far from likable. My behavior became inexcusable and intolerable to the point where we ended up having a spat, but thankfully, the mess got cleared up before we both went to bed. Imagine my relief.

Lately, I've also noticed a change in my personality, like I'm suddenly expecting a lot more from him, even though he has already given me his love, trust and all that I could have asked for. I feel this power-hungry type alter ego arising from within, and I hate to admit it but I can kinda pinpoint who it is.

Evan.

This power hunger has to stop or history might repeat itself. I don't want to lose Steven like I did with Alex and David. I need to figure out a way to tame this insatiable thirst for pettiness and attention.

ツ | 4:18 am

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