Jʋsʈ ɑ Ɓoƴ

Thursday 24 March 2016

"What If's"

The world got dark way too quickly, and I'm stuck having to deal with people's problems and relentless insecurities. Not that I'm complaining, but I'm a firm believer in not dwelling on the "What If's" because you never know what tomorrow could bring.

As of today, I live in a world where I'm constantly being quote-mined for the things I say. Fear this, fear that.. And somehow I wound up being the culprit[?]. There's a difference between playing the victim and being the scapegoat. This time, I'm the latter.

People create unnecessary fears and project exaggerated scenarios in their head (play it over and over to where it becomes slightly fanatical), then shift all responsibilities and blame onto me. Why? Well, duh! Because I'm an easy target.

What they don't realize is how paradoxical their thinking is.

D: "You promised you would take care of me."
Z: "Yes, I did."
D: "But how can you do that if you have both headphones plugged in and can't hear my cry for help if I fall?"
Z: "Has it happen yet?"
D: "No. But what if it does?"

Worrying about 'What If''s' and setting expectations, it turns what could potentially be a fun and loving relationship into a chore/job - and no one likes that. No one.

By their logic,

- Should I stand at attention (military-style) and wait at their beck and call like a slave boy?
- Should I guard the bathroom like how the Secret Service would each time they go potty or shower?
- Should I compress all my emotions, sacrifice all the things I enjoy doing (like listening to music and watching shows I like with headphones in), eschew all activities just to satisfy a 'What If'?

Like with my ex-husband, I had to accompany him to the hospital countless of times when he had asthma attacks and massive migraines. I advised him to give smoking up, but he wasn't one to listen and I wasn't about to get confrontational. People refuse (...they just don't want) to believe that I'm actually capable enough to react intelligently when it comes to an emergency situation that warrants methodical action. If anything, use my previous marriage as a resume, because all I did was look after him.

Understand where I'm coming from, please.

I love taking care of people not because I'm obligated to, but because I - like many other humans on this planet - have compassion. When you set an expectation and quote-mine a promise I made, you turn a sentimental act I do out of love and grace into a contract; eventually a burden.

The paradox therein lies in wanting love, but creating an obligation with the person that drives him in the opposite direction; essentially contesting everything that should come naturally with love. And all for what? Something that you are paranoid would inevitably happen?

It makes no sense.

Be open to the likelihood that I will come to your aid if and when a tragedy strikes. Let things happen naturally, no sense in being a worrywart and fussing over a non-existent matter.

I say all of this with love, obviously.

ツ | 6:29 am

Tuesday 22 March 2016

"Back when.."

I recently took a mental trip down memory lane because I got triggered by a certain.. event. It all came back to me at once, this.. this immense surge of nostalgia overwhelmed me to the point where I felt who I once were.

It was me back when I was an adolescent; with Raven, he had been my best friend for ten years.

Back when I still haven't figure out what my sexuality was...

Back when it didn't matter whether I was straight, bi or gay...

Back when all we wanted to do was be kids and have fun...

I guess what I miss the most about my past is the innocence of it all. There wasn't a need for me to lie, nor for there to be any distrust. Everything was cut and dry, because no one judged the other person for who they were. We were young, wild and lived in the moment.

We were also friends, all of us - Raven, Keane, Raverick and then later on, Benny. We would raid the swimming pools on weekends and be the rowdy bunch that everyone else would glance over to speculate. We would have sleepovers and stay up all night to play Defense of the Ancients (DotA), make trips to the coffee shop in the wee hours of the morning to have supper, get our game on at the mall arcades, and catch late night movies at the cinema, after which we would snack at McDonalds.

Even though Raven and I had known each other for far longer than the others, Keane was the one I confided in the most because he was the brainy one. Raverick was the leader of our pack, and he ran for the track team in school, so each time I ran away (literally) from what I would consider "problems", he would chase after and catch up to me. They had my back, but we've now grown apart and I get a wistful sensation, reminiscing the days where I was genuinely contented with life.

Those days... I can't go back to those days, because it would involve a major lifestyle change, and they have probably moved on in life, as have I. My childhood, looking back, was everything I've ever wanted, and I'm really grateful for the ex-friends that I had.

Back when life was simple...

Back when I was always smiling...

Back when I was just Zachary...

Back when I was just a boy.

ツ | 4:30 am

'ℬℴʋʈ ℳℯ

My name is Zachary (

)
Born on Christmas of '92 (

)

Gay (

) Separated (

)

I ❤ my best friends
«Jen Ross» and «Bekah»

ℳℴℴɖ

Ꮚɾ¡ʈʈℯɳ Ʈℎℴʋℊℎʈʂ

ℬʋʗҚℯʈ ℒ¡ʂʈ

☑ Find a best friend
☑ Learn to play the piano
☑ Be in a relationship
☑ See New York skyline
☑ Become a Game Sage
☑ Be part of a fraternity
☑ Play on a grand piano
☑ Lose virginity
☑ Have a pet kitten/cat
☑ Experience snow
☑ See the northern lights
❒ Ride a horse
❒ Sit cozily by a fireplace
❒ Build a snowman
❒ Dip a chocolate fondue fountain
❒ Release an album
❒ Be a farmer for a day
❒ See the HOLLYWOOD sign
❒ Join the circus
❒ Go skinny dipping
❒ Taste orkney ice cream