Jʋsʈ ɑ Ɓoƴ

Wednesday 29 July 2015

"...struggling..."

I woke up this morning and spent 3 hours (from 7 to 10 am) doing dishes for the Joas' brothers. They had the sink stacked up with 2 months worth of dirty plates, cups, pots and utensils.

Mason is Colin's brother, so in this household, I'm referred to as Zachary (or Zac for short). He lives with his brother so it's the three of us under one roof.

Anyway, the train arrived last Sunday at Malta, Montana later than it was supposed to, so babe had to wait at the station for almost 2 hours. When I got off, I smiled at him before we hugged for the very first time. We then walked back to his apartment home to unwind from the long ass ride.

I stripped

He "came"

We showered

Life here is pretty laid back and simpler than what I'm used to, but nonetheless, adjustable. We're struggling financially (and yes, there were times - in the past couple of days - where I felt like using my exit clause to go back home) but I have to learn to rough it out and not run away when the going gets tough.

Someday I'll tell my friends the truth as to why I had to come to Montana, and not stay with Mark in Virginia. I didn't choose to do this, I had to do this. I have Mark's interest at heart. And just because I keep secrets, doesn't mean I'm crafty or wily. I have my own way of doing things.

ツ | 12:00 pm

Tuesday 21 July 2015

"...a perfect friend"

Couple of days ago, Mark and I went to the computer exchange shop to get my laptop repaired because apparently, there was a problem with the hard drive. We went back there again yesterday to collect it, and now I'm blogging on it.

I've installed every necessary app (Skype, Spotify, etc) except IMVU. I don't think I'll be logging on there anymore. With this new hard drive, I'm unable to access my old data (DJ scripts) that were previously on my old hard drive - which they gave it back to me in a box. It's such a shame though.. because I really enjoyed DJing.

Anyhoo.. this could be my fresh start, a clean slate,

'Out with the old, in with the new'.

Lately I've noticed that people are too quick to judge and pin the blame on someone to make sense of things, even though there might be more to the story than hearsay.

It's sorta like "Mob Mentality" but based off rumors or lack of factual evidence from the source or an unbiased/credible individual. Simply put, there's never a "let's hear his side of the story first."

The rarest people in this world are those who listens to what you have to say, understands where you're coming from, gives his/her opinion on what you did and stays by your side even when you've made the gravest mistake man couldn't possibly forgive you for.

Part of being growing up is having character development. Watch any decent movie, you'll often see the main character go through a journey of self-discovery to better him/herself. I've made my fair share of mistakes along the way, but I'm learning and that's what counts.

The more I think about it, the more I feel stupid for thinking that I had true friends when in reality, most of them are only looking out for themselves. Everyone tries to preserve their virtual alias but all they are out for is flesh and status. Virtual friendship is a thin silhouette that disguises the need for self-validation.

Don't even get me started on virtual relationships...

I dare say I'm a good person who may have strayed every now and then, yet people insist on amplifying what I did and making me out like the villain and in doing so, ostracize and convict me. I'm tired of indulging in their charade so I'll just nod and smile as I fade into obscurity and become "yesterday's news". It's exhausting to keep up with gossips because ultimately, most prattles are a contradiction (the very people who acts like their moral compass is unscathed and righteous are full of shit).

I guess what I'm trying to say is this..

Since trust takes years to build and seconds to destroy, someone like me - who lives tumultuously - will eventually be caught in the crossfire and suffer the loss of those who appear to be friends but really aren't (to begin with).

Friends stick by you through the thick and thin, despite the sheer betrayal and the roughest of seas. If you walk away from someone after they've made a blunder, then what you're looking for is an "idea" of a perfect friend, not friendship itself (...accepting his/her faults, flaws and all) because no one is perfect.

ツ | 10:52 am

Monday 20 July 2015

If this ain't love...
...I don't know what is ♥

ツ | 12:19 am

Saturday 18 July 2015

"Home"

For the past 4 years (...going on 5 now),
this has been my home...

...getting really tired of moving.

Really, really tired.
Wish I had a place to call home...

Sigh.

ツ | 4:56 am

Thursday 16 July 2015

"...Taking Back My Life"

Have you ever listened to a song for the first time and get an unexpected shiver because you know that that is the very anthem you'll be marching to for the rest of the week, possibly month?

I've been listening to a whole bunch of songs to pick out for my wedding. It doesn't help that most of the songs I listen to are either pop, electronic, EDM or rave. But... there's one that sends chills down my spine every time it comes on. Rachel Platten's Fight Song.

I wouldn't consider it a song fit for a wedding ceremony, and I'm really hoping Colin likes it. The lyrics don't exactly spell "I love you and I want to be with you forever" but it's so poetic and I get drenched in a downpour of goosebumps whenever I put it on.

Sometimes I look at myself in the bathroom mirror and mouth the words, '...I'm someone's fiancé. I am someone's motherfucking fiancé.' It's unbelievable yet at the same time, I wonder if I'm one of those lucky individuals that marry young and have it all by the age of 40. Oh god, I'm gonna have a mid life crisis... I just know it.

Wanna hear something ironic?

Marriage is usually something grown ups who have a stable and prospective life endeavor in, and I'm far from mature, let alone ready. I have to work on my vows, and chances are, I'm probably gonna gather quotes from a bunch of sentimental songs (like Ed Sheeran) to write up one hell of a tear-jerking prose.

I love Colin and for him, I'm willing to break out of my shell and become a man. He's the one guy I can actually see myself having a future with. He also happened to come back into my life at the right time, when I lost a couple of good friends for something horrible I did. What matters is that Colin was always there.

Part of me is definitely going to miss living with Mark, my "roommate" (I don't pay rent, hence the quote). Life here thus far has been really safe and comfortable, like having a brightly-colored life buoy tossed in the rough seas (rough seas being a metaphor for my messy life.. but yeah, you got that) and believe it or not, he has taught me several life lessons in his own sassy, diva, passionate way.

I kinda don't wanna leave but every bird has to leave the nest eventually. In some ways, I consider this place my home. I'm not sure what kind of impression he has of me (or what kind of impression I've left of myself) but I hope somewhere down the road in my life, I'll get to see him again.

This is it..

I'm finally taking back my life.

ツ | 11:40 pm

Wednesday 15 July 2015

"...I'm Sorry"

I'm getting married in a month. I'm excited yet extremely remorseful. Truth is, I've made one too many mistakes and as far as apologies go, there's only so many times a person can say sorry before it loses its sincerity. So here's a list of the wrongdoings that I've committed and my deepest regret for each and every one of them. This is NOT a post asking for forgiveness, but a declaration of my errors and hopefully to help people I've hurt get some sort of closure (boy am I gonna get so much shit for this, but I put the feelings of others above mine, so this has to be done).

When it comes to matters of the heart...

John (alias: PrinceJohnSexyVamp)... I'm sorry for leading you on. I did have feelings for you and I had every intention of moving in with you and building something with you. What I liked about you was your generous nature. You give and gift, and never expect anything in return. You are, by far, the most selfless person on imvu. And I wanted to show you the kind of love that you deserve by treating you like a king in real life. I wanted to be the reward for all that you've helped done for your friends.

Gabe (alias: AngelWolfAaltone)... you're a hopeless romantic and someday you'll find your prince and when he comes riding into your life on a white horse, it'll be the best fucking feeling ever. But until then, you have to keep the spark alive. I'm sorry but I'm not your knight in shining armor. You dodged a bullet with me because I'm complete and utter trash. I'm the piece of gum that people spit out after hours of chewing and it gets stuck onto the sole of your shoe.

Liam (alias: LiamTaylorWilliams)... I was a true jerk to you and under different circumstances, we would have been really great friends. I'm the type of person who "wants his cake and eat it too", hence the affair. I'm not going to undermine what I did because you do deserve an apology and I'll a risk a humiliation to show just how much of a nice person you are. I'm sorry. On the upside, you dodged a bullet with me. I'm worthless, a nobody and I'll spend the rest of my life in regret, knowing that I let a good person like you down. Don't worry, I've added you to my mental checklist of people who I'll think about when I'm old and grey as I look back on my younger years realizing how many people I've let down. You are one of them.

When it comes to friendship...

Tyra (alias: xRyouokoDrakojanx)...When we briefly dated despite Lou warning me not to date within the circle of friends, I enjoyed talking to you. You have this.. 'zest' in the way you talk that cracks me the fuck up. Please know (and I'm not just saying this to boost your ego) that there are a lot of qualities about you that I see beyond just what's on the surface. Your personality can be described in four letters - G.O.L.D.

Patrick (alias: DJCasssidy)... Man, you're the one person I really, really betrayed and I feel bloody awful for it. Out of everyone, I think I will never be able to forgive myself for what I did to you, much less expect any forgiveness from you. I will say this though - I am truly sorry. You never did anything to me and I lied and backstabbed you in a way that can only be scrutinized as "heartless" and "inhumane". Know that you'll never hear from me again (...after this, if you even bother reading it) because there's no way I can bring myself to face you after what I did. You're on the same checklist of people I'll look back someday and regret not being a better friend to. You are also one of them.

Ben (alias: Bengei)... Where do I even start? First off, I'm sorry. The word to describe what I did to you is 7 letters that Hayd3z (my ex boyfriend) himself labeled me as - SELFISH. I don't know what love is, so this marriage I'm about to embark on is a ticking time bomb that's just begging to blow up in my face. So there's my karma, knowing that in this lifetime, I am incapable of finding love because I don't know the meaning of those 4 letters. I will never achieve happiness because what you and I had proves that I know so little about reality that it is pathetic of me to even be getting married this early in life. I know I am setting myself up for failure but I choose this path as punishment for making you feel like a fool. Not to trivialize what I did.. but despite everything that happened, there was a point in time I really did loved you, even though my actions showed otherwise. I've shut that gate now, but believe it or not, you're also on the checklist of people I'll look back someday in the long and painful years ahead, and regret not being... a good friend to.

Lou (alias: LouVui)... ♥

Famous Last Words

I, Zacsky, am a whore

I, Zacsky, am selfish

I, Zacsky, am a typical gay guy who is cock-hungry and values sex and dick over anything else meaningful (like friendship, love and... family)

I, Zacsky, will never find happiness

I, Zacsky, do not deserve to love or to be loved

...and being a firm believer in karma, I'll get what's coming for me and take it like the worthless, unoriginal, evil person I am. Do NOT feel sympathy for me. That is not the intended reaction. Read this, pin me with an impression and close this blog knowing that my future looks bleak.

ツ | 5:43 am

Friday 3 July 2015

~~"...the Lone Star State"~~

Kansas City, here I come!

Words cannot describe how excited I am to embark on this new adventure in the Lone Star State. Although it saddens me a little that I'm leaving behind a virtual world where I spent the past 8 months of my life trying to gain acceptance from a group of friends, it's what I do when I'm getting nowhere.

After next Friday, everything will become but a memory.

My new house dad wants me to wear a chastity belt, a collar, and get me a tattoo (one that reads "OWNED PROPERTY" with a bar code beneath it). It may seem a little extreme.. albeit excessive, and I'm a little hesitant on getting a permanent tattoo but I've never had one before, so this might prove to be interesting.

Fingers crossed.

Edited:
I'm staying after all ツ

ツ | 9:56 am

Wednesday 1 July 2015

"Welcome... to adulthood"

It's been two months since I last posted and so much has happened.

I've come to realize something - I'm a problematic child. The tantrums I throw are beyond ridiculous and my expectations are extremely surreal, but I behave that way anyhow.

The one thing I excel at, however, is running away. Somewhere down the road in my messed-up life, I'll look back and appreciate all that Mark (a good friend of mine) has done for me. To say he is an incredible friend is a severe understatement. Mark is a diamond in the rough, not just for the very reason that he took me in when I got kicked out of my previous "home" (yes, I was a houseboy), but because he's a pure saint. He has the best intentions for me even though I've probably taken all of what he has done for granted. These past few weeks with him... I've never felt so at home.. ever.

Best part about living with him was knowing I could come to him with anything and he wouldn't tell me what I WANTED to hear, but what I NEEDED to hear. I doubt I'll find a roommate as good as him, and honestly, I don't deserve any of this. He can do so much better.

The downfall of this situation (and why I chose to do what I am about to do) is... Mark is best friends with the guy I wrote about in my previous post and so much has transpired in the past couple of weeks that I have to remove myself from his life before it leads to something destructive.

Come Friday, I plan to move out and leave the virtual world of imvu. No need for fanfare or a farewell party, it's a necessary path. I need to make my own mistakes, and maybe I'll only ever be objectified as a boy toy.. a symbol of sex, but that's okay - I've come to terms with that. My inner conscience is screaming against leaving, begging me to reconsider, but I've mustered up enough uncommon sense to walk away.

Whatever happens in the months to come, be it 'regret', 'loneliness' or 'self-loathing', I have only myself to blame and that's the way it should be. Welcome.. to adulthood.

ツ | 9:22 am

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