Jʋsʈ ɑ Ɓoƴ

Friday, 26 December 2014

"...no longer your muse"

My head's in turmoil and I don't know what to say, what to do or how to act anymore because whatever I feel doesn't seem to matter. There are things I've said that I wish I could go back in time and retract, because they were said out of spite during a couple of heated arguments that we had, and now it seems like I have lost the right to express myself (which is nobody else's fault but my own).

I hate to say it but it is mentally killing me to not be able to voice my opinion. Rather, it's not that I'm afraid to say what's on my mind, but the harsh response I get from speaking out. All I want is for my opinions to be received tastefully, and for there to not be any aftermath of anger, grief or disappointment whatsoever. I want to be able to confide; to discuss how I feel without it turning into a matter of control and/or jury's diction. But somewhere along the way, I've lost the courage to assert my viewpoint.

*heaves*

The truth - however hard I try to rationalize - is that our honeymoon stage has long been over. It's like that one Katy Perry song (which I am replaying as I am writing this):

"It's time to face the music

I'm no longer your muse"

I don't know what it is, but there seems to be a rift between us. I'm a really instinctive person. I can sense when things just aren't the way they used to be, and I can sort of draw my own conclusions as to why things turned out the way they did. I'm not completely oblivious to everything like I appear to be.

A friend of mine, Karen, gave me an analogy which I think best fits this situation.

As a child, we get mesmerized by the toys we are given to play. So, say a stuffed animal. For the first couple of days/weeks (or even months), we are going to glorify and cherish every second we get to fiddle with this brand new stuffed animal. But eventually, as we grow familiar with what we have, we slowly lose interest in the object that once brought us this newfangled joy from it being modish.

That, combined with the fact that we have had a series of misunderstandings that turned into fiery arguments, one can only imagine...

Needless to say, I shoulder all the blame because the fault's all mine. I am aware that I'm far too different from everyone else. I hold onto the past, and yearn to relive them. I'm trapped in my own little fantasy bubble and I'm way beyond delusional. That's my flaw...

I miss being adored, being cheeky...

I miss being treated like a diamond in the rough...

I miss seeing his face lit up whenever I go on cam...

I miss being the one person he looks forward to talk to each day...

I miss the naughty moments we shared...
I miss being fought for and not easily let go of...
I miss all the little things...

But most importantly,

I miss his smile

I just... I just hope to God, Lucifer and any other omnipresent beings on this accursed universe that this entire post does not come across as an attack, because it isn't meant to be as such. #NoShade

I've been suppressing this for quite some time now, and I'm not one to bottle up how I feel because it would serve as fuel for Kyle's eventual outburst of vengeance.

Welp!

Guess it's time for me to clear the fog on the mirror, sac the fuck up and dive back to reality.

I really... *sigh* I really do love him ._.

ツ | 5:34 am

'ℬℴʋʈ ℳℯ

My name is Zachary (

)
Born on Christmas of '92 (

)

Gay (

) Separated (

)

I ❤ my best friends
«Jen Ross» and «Bekah»

ℳℴℴɖ

Ꮚɾ¡ʈʈℯɳ Ʈℎℴʋℊℎʈʂ

ℬʋʗҚℯʈ ℒ¡ʂʈ

☑ Find a best friend
☑ Learn to play the piano
☑ Be in a relationship
☑ See New York skyline
☑ Become a Game Sage
☑ Be part of a fraternity
☑ Play on a grand piano
☑ Lose virginity
☑ Have a pet kitten/cat
☑ Experience snow
☑ See the northern lights
❒ Ride a horse
❒ Sit cozily by a fireplace
❒ Build a snowman
❒ Dip a chocolate fondue fountain
❒ Release an album
❒ Be a farmer for a day
❒ See the HOLLYWOOD sign
❒ Join the circus
❒ Go skinny dipping
❒ Taste orkney ice cream