Jʋsʈ ɑ Ɓoƴ

Saturday, 28 February 2015

"...time to call a spade a spade"

It's time I call a spade a spade, and not glamorize it anymore than what it should be. Life isn't a game of poker, and even if it was, I don't gamble... ever. So why start now?

Sitting around contemplating, procrastinating, yearning (...for what could have been), that's just the epitome of how we are conditioned to live in today's society, isn't it? For the past few months, the people I've encountered on a virtual chat room have all expected me to prove myself in some sort of manner. To prove my worthiness.. be it in acquiring their respect, establishing a friendship, or rekindling a love. And it's not like I'm unfamiliar with the concept of why people want me to "win over their approval", but I'm a casual twink. I'm not perfect but I play my strengths. I hide my true identity because I get insecure from time to time and it's convenient to evade telling people about my background. And, I like (...call it trashy or shitty) pop music. How easy to read am I?

Thankfully, because of MPD, I am aware that what I'm going through is just a phase. Suffice it to say, I can put myself in the shoes of people I've come across to understand how they must feel and think of me concealing who I really am, along with the fact that I didn't mention about Scott, my current boyfriend. I recognize that that must make me a terrible friend, and an even worst ex-boyfriend, but I'm simply.. "not ready". I won't make up a fancy excuse, because the truth is - I'm not one to kiss and tell (...or date and share?). Unfortunately, that costed me a few damn good... ex-friends[?]

Just seems like everyone's in a hurry to cash in on their judgement and made-belief impression, and I fall prey to their 'conclusions' because of how susceptible I am when it comes to "playing the victim" and the lack of feasibility when confronted. I say it like it is, however generic the reason may be, it is what I perceive. Whether or not what I did was justified shouldn't be the main focus (I know, "wow Zac, what a great cop out statement"), the real question should be... Have I served your purpose?

Lately, I've been feeling more and more like a trophy or prize (I know right, "get off your high horse, Zac") than a person. It's the whole, 'if you don't learn and behave a certain way, you don't belong with me/us' mentality which nauseates me (not in a "fuck, this sickens me" way, but more of a "meh, it is what it is, so I'll start over someplace else but still reminisce every now and then because the feelings/memories still linger")

But, to make good what I wrote at the beginning of this post, it's time to call a spade a spade. I'm not completely oblivious to the errs I've caused, so to all the people I've faulted - I'm sorry. I don't want nor am I expecting you (whoever "you" are) to look at me any different from how you already do/are, all I want is for you to walk away knowing I have apologized and move on.

You don't have to like me, for as long as I have fulfilled something that helps you gain a better perspective on life throughout our time together, I'll- no.. we'll be content.

ツ | 4:39 am

'ℬℴʋʈ ℳℯ

My name is Zachary (

)
Born on Christmas of '92 (

)

Gay (

) Separated (

)

I ❤ my best friends
«Jen Ross» and «Bekah»

ℳℴℴɖ

Ꮚɾ¡ʈʈℯɳ Ʈℎℴʋℊℎʈʂ

ℬʋʗҚℯʈ ℒ¡ʂʈ

☑ Find a best friend
☑ Learn to play the piano
☑ Be in a relationship
☑ See New York skyline
☑ Become a Game Sage
☑ Be part of a fraternity
☑ Play on a grand piano
☑ Lose virginity
☑ Have a pet kitten/cat
☑ Experience snow
☑ See the northern lights
❒ Ride a horse
❒ Sit cozily by a fireplace
❒ Build a snowman
❒ Dip a chocolate fondue fountain
❒ Release an album
❒ Be a farmer for a day
❒ See the HOLLYWOOD sign
❒ Join the circus
❒ Go skinny dipping
❒ Taste orkney ice cream