Jʋsʈ ɑ Ɓoƴ

Tuesday, 28 April 2015

"...big fat pink dildo"

Monday, I'm a whore

Tuesday, I'm a porn star

Wednesday, my sugar daddy will buy me a sports car

Thursday, I'm a bitch boy

Friday, I'm a slut

Saturday, I'll wear a jock strap to show off my butt

Sunday, I have church

but I'll probably not go

Unless I have my big fat pink dildo

A poem by Zacsky

ツ | 8:11 am

Thursday, 23 April 2015

"...futile attempt..."

Recently, I sabotaged my relationship with three different guys. I'm not heartbroken nor am I torn apart inside because I never did invest any REAL emotions into these guys that I've "dated".

I guess (on some level, sub-consciously) I knew that it was never going to work out with either of them, so alas, I behaved in a manner which would cause a rift between me and them to end whatever attraction they once had towards me.

The first guy...

...was shallow.

Every now and then, I would hear rumors of him hopping around virtual chat rooms, inviting random people he had just met to private chat and get up to all sorts of mischief. Then he would tell me how much he loves me when I tried confronting him about it. Either that, or he would turn the tables around and try to pin the blame on me.

We spoke on Skype once, and I had hoped to fall asleep on a one-on-one call with him, but he would whine and go on and on about how he couldn't sleep with the laptop light beaming towards him in bed. I don't mind him being unable to sleep with the presence of light, but his whine is the most God-awful, annoying sound I've ever heard. It makes me want to choke his neck and suffocate him with a pillow to silence the horrendous noise emitting from his mouth.

Aside from those already-considered-a-relationship-deal-breaker qualities, he cannot hold or carry a conversation. His vocabulary doesn't extend any further than mere "I love you" or "Do you miss me?" I know - for a fact - that he is infatuated with how I look, because as soon as I sent him a picture of another person and told him I was from Nigeria, he immediately backed off.

The next guy...

...behaved like a tool

When we first went out, he was hung up on me, and wanted me to quit the virtual chat room where I'd met him. He didn't want other guys after my twink ass, which I can understand and/or relate to. So I left the virtual chat room for a bit to accommodate his needs[?] wants[?] demands[?].

For the first week or two, he would wait impatiently for me to wake up so I could get on Skype call with him. I did as told because I genuinely wanted to give this relationship an honest chance. After the second week... splat. He grew distant and it felt like he got bored with me. He didn't want to talk as much as before and like the first guy, couldn't carry a conversation.

Needless to say, I wised up and declared that this relationship was headed for the dump.

A lot of other factors that occurred throughout our relationship contributed to my judgement, my judgement that this relationship was going downhill... fast!

I had let my friend log onto the virtual chat room with my account, and my friend changed (among other things) my relationship status to "Single". He (my "boyfriend") came on and found out that I had reverted my status back to "Single" and without question, did the same on his.

There's a certain spiteful element to the way he handle/does things, one that I'm not a big fan of. If he had truly loved me, he would have approached me before he did anything. He may have loved me once, but it probably faded over the course of... a month[?] a month and a half[?]

Shrugs

who's even counting?

The last guy...

...was possessive

We met. We fell in love. He didn't like me chat-cheating (an act where you're in multiple chat rooms at once, including one with him). He wanted my attention all to himself. I gave him what he wanted and he kept bombarding me questions like, "wyd" (What're you doing?) or "What do you wanna do?".

Imagine having someone ask what you are doing LITERALLY every five minutes, or wanting all your attention and when I finally give him my fullest attention, he goes and make me come up with something to do or talk about.

To make matters worse, I suggested an activity once, and he said, "Ugh, I don't wanna do that right now." So then I asked him what he wanted to do instead, and he shrugged and went silent. Five minutes later... (yup, you guessed it) "wyd?"

He wanted to isolate me from socializing with people, and have me all to himself but even when I gave him that, he couldn't come up with something for us to do together. I gave it a week before I told him things weren't working out and ended the sorry relationship.

I do not need Chad, the alter ego who helps me get over a heartbreak because there is none. There is no wound to heal. I never gave myself to any of them like I did with Alex and Steven. It would have just been a futile attempt anyhow.

ツ | 3:12 am

Friday, 17 April 2015

"...1800-CURE-MY-HEARTBREAK"

Feelings are a conspicuous thing that takes over my vessel unlike any of my known alter egos. They overwhelm me with a hazy sensation, one that I cannot easily discern until I've fallen head over heels for an individual (..or two, in this case). Something I have absolutely no control over is scary, especially when I lose myself to the despotism of what can essentially blossom into "love".

You see, I was never groomed or conditioned to be shallow. I was raised to see the good in people, how rich the quality of a person is. I define their character, not judge them. This makes me more prone and susceptible to the tragic disease we call 'heartbreak'.

Right now, my heart is all over the place. It belongs to everyone, yet no one. It yearns for affection, but once granted the desired affection, its cravings will develop into addiction. That's where the possessiveness kicks in and before I know it, I'm questioning every life decision I've ever made. It's a vicious cycle, I tell you.

So... Cut to the chase

I currently have strong feelings towards two people that I've met on IMVU (the reason why I don't date people in real life is a whole other story for another day). I cannot act on my feelings for either of them because I know how the story will unfold.

After a few relationships that have turned sour (...and I mean way sour), it becomes all too familiar. It starts out with "The Chase", followed by "The Honeymoon Phase", then "The 'Want' To Recapture What We Once Had", and finally... "The Drift".

Soon I'll be reaching for the phone and dialing 1800-CURE-MY-HEARTBREAK.

It's probably for the best that we all remain platonic friends, and for my role to be the guy who fulfills everyone's sexual needs (as well as his own). Pursuing this (or anything, for that matter) a step further is a risk I can't afford to take.

I'm just.. too afraid to love anymore.

I've failed one too many times.

I can see the end as it begins.

Bleak as it may be,

I have to live another day,

without love getting in the way.

Sigh

ツ | 9:26 am

Thursday, 9 April 2015

I'm in love with a song that hasn't even been released yet

[Chorus]

Truth is that no one can replace me

I'm permanent, you can't erase me

I'll have you remember me

One more kiss is all it takes

I'll leave you with the memory

And the aftertaste

The aftertaste

Shawn Mendes - Aftertaste

spotify:track:0QdQqzwcKc29u42BvoxiaN

ツ | 2:13 am

Monday, 6 April 2015

"...trip down memory lane"

In 2012-2013, back when I was dating Alex, I had created multiple blogs to cater to every one of my alter egos. I've sorta been a blogger for as long as I can remember, simply because penning down my thoughts help keep me emotionally sane, It also serves as a time capsule for when I grow older and wish to reminisce fond memories that I've had - the good's and the bad's.

I've never told any of my previous blogs to anyone except for those who knew me back in '12 and '13. For awhile, I've wanted to seal that chapter of my life away because it reminded me how much of a failure I was. Only a couple of people knew, namely one of my best friends, Bekah, and my really good friend (who we all call...), Bunny. Of course, Alex knew about it too. The only other person I've told this to... was Steven, right after we broke up.

I wasn't comfortable sharing about my past life then, but I want to be as open and true to myself as possible now. Ever since I became a part of the IMVU community, I've come across people who lied, conceal half-truths and manipulate/toy with... feelings. I've even heard stories of those who masquerade as a different gender (not that there's anything wrong with it - if you identify with a different gender than the one you are born with, it's perfectly fine) and not fess up when asked. I've actually met one (...possibly two) people who wasn't honest about their gender. I don't want to be dishonest, especially not to my readers.

So, before I ramble on and on about something completely pointless, let's take a trip down memory lane. Here are links to some of my old blogs. I present... Zachary's life back in 2012 / 2013.

thє SҜy Ίs thə Lῑmɨt

- A prototype of "Jʋsʈ ɑ Ɓoƴ" (this blog). I posted as "Zachary".

ƒoötprῑnts oñ thə Moón (18+)

- A blog that birthed from the endless amount of gay porn Alex and I discovered on the internet. I posted as "Jerome", the alter ego of lust.

BrëaҜ thə Söuñd bαrrɨer

- A blog that stemmed from my relationship with music, where I took a unique approach in design. I posted as "Boris", the alter ego of fervor.

Wῑšh upóñ α Stαr

- A blog where I wrote about bizarre or significant dreams and nightmares that I've had. I posted as "Adam", the alter ego that wires my psyche to the cosmic plane (in an esoteric sense).

τhє Vâst ëxpânse óf Timë

- A blog where I explored my inner demon, a haven for my then-apparent psychosis. I posted as "Kyle", the alter ego of lunacy.

*Note - I won't be posting on any of the blogs mentioned above, they are now read-only sites, so excuse images that no longer work. I have not (nor do I intend to) update those blogs anymore.

ツ | 2:27 pm

Saturday, 4 April 2015

ツ | 5:04 pm

Friday, 3 April 2015

"I need pizza..."

Ever have days where you're overwhelmed by everything?

Today (and probably the following few days to come) is one of those quieter days where I'll probably revert back to my old "reclusive turtle" self. I deserve some silence after such hectic few months... maybe treat myself to my favorite bar of candy whilst taking a slow walk in the park. I might even go for a swim because I usually feel refreshed after a few laps in the pool.

I really ~~have to~~ need to drown out the noise, the clamor that has overloaded my restful mind and clouded my once-lucid thoughts.

There is a fuse inside my body that has been lit after the countless of failed relationships that I've endured (that is not to say that I'm not responsible for any/all of them... because I am). Some time off from reality is in order, a necessary break to recompose myself - find out just what I am to do with all that has happened thus far.

Things/Thoughts lingering in my head that I need to exile:

Seeking my parents approval for being gay [...and not being invited to holiday gatherings (i.e. Thanksgiving, Christmas) because of my sexual orientation]
Reproaching myself constantly for what I do for a living
Blaming myself for not being good enough for Steven, Scott and Rob
Feeling ostracized/judged
The need to be sexually objectified to validate my appeal/worth (shallow, I know..)
Making "being in a relationship" and/or "finding my significant other" the sole purpose of my life
Fearing the worst for a certain someone that I've grown quite fond of
Cravings for pizza

I need pizza... I need pizza and a really good movie.

ツ | 5:01 pm

Thursday, 2 April 2015

"...closer & closer..."

As degrading as it may be, I try to stray off the topic on what I do for a living as much as possible. It is - after all - a profession I consciously chose to be a part of. Though, I'm beginning to feel the drawback and it ain't as liberating as how I'd imagine it would be, that much I'll say.

At work today, I had another episode. It completely slipped my mind to pop some Sertraline into my system and I had what a by-stander would consider.. a "mental meltdown". I had to excuse myself and take a hot minute to compose and recollect my deranged self out in the curb. I knew I was acting out because I recall mumbling to no one in particular, spouting utter nonsense (could have sworn I was speaking in tongue at one point, lol), basically trying to grasp the entirety of whatever the hell was going on.

The one thing I detest the most is the memory lapse[?] gap[?]. It really isn't the least bit fun to lose my rhythm just when I was getting into it. Despite what my close friends might say, I do enjoy my job, but it requires me to stay shackled to one state of mind. I cannot - under any circumstances - have a takeover, however mild it may be, doing what I'm doing.

The upside is that I have Jerome, by far the most suitable candidate for such a shady business. The downside?

An unexpected relapse like today

But I'm not quite done yet. A little mind malfunction isn't enough to deter me from what I'm working my ass off (...literally) for. I'm still fired up and until I've saved up enough money to help "him" get by, I won't subject myself to any antagonizing judgment. The feeling is like no other, and I say this non-figuratively - it's like lightning coursing through the veins in my body. I finally get the expression.

With each passing weekend, I get closer & closer to the endgame.

And when all is said and done, I can finally... let go.

ツ | 12:35 am

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