Jʋsʈ ɑ Ɓoƴ

Tuesday, 29 September 2015

"Here's the thing..."

I feel like the epitome of my life is the constant pursue of unobtainable happiness. Like, whenever I think I'm on the right track, I realize that, in retrospect, things were so much better before. It's starting to feel like I'm making all the wrong choices and I'm headed towards a point where I'll have to surrender to an imminent life bound by the laws of regret and contempt.

But, here's the thing...

Submitting to a disconsolate future where I'll have to adhere to merely existing within the confines of what society would consider a prospective endeavor (when in reality, it's pure mediocrity)... that scares me.

The very chance I got to quench my thirst for an enthralling adventure has now been stifled and I'm left projecting, scouring for what little happiness I could delude myself into procuring given my current (err..) situation.

Yes, I'm trying to be vague about what I'm disconcerted about, so as to avoid singling any particular events that has forced me to reevaluate all the decisions I've made thus far. Whoever said life is like a bed of roses really deserves an undeterred scoff in the face.

I just...

I wanna fly.

ツ | 7:36 pm

Friday, 18 September 2015

"The Fire, The Ex and The Friend"

Gotta love when life throws you a curve ball

Last night, right before I was about to turn in for the night,

a fire broke out in the house
my ex and I talked and reminisced
a close friend of mine told me to block him

I'll paint the story for you.

The Fire

My brother-in-law wanted to make some fries, so after skinning the potatoes, he filled half the pot with cooking oil. When the stove got warmed up, the fire literally shot upward to the kitchen ceiling. It reminded me of Baked Alaska for some reason, not that I ever had it before in my life.

So he told babe to grab the baking soda and doused the stove with it. The fire dwindled but the fire alarm was still going off. Babe told me to open all the windows for ventilation because the entire house was clouded with smoke. Guess who had to mop up the kitchen floor from all the grease after the whole kitchen nightmare ordeal was over?

The Ex

Prior to that disaster, my ex revealed a couple of things to me that were unexpected and shared how he felt about me. I won't dive too much into it because it's (..like really) personal, but I will say this...

If a parallel universe did exist, other (or alternate) Zachary is happily in love and is surrounded by friends and loved ones who knows who he really is and genuinely cares about him, vice versa.

I.. fucked up. And I wish I had a wormhole to escape into another dimension where I can start over. See what I mean? I keep wanting to run... away! It's like a quick fix to every problem, y'know.

The Friend

Right before I was talking to my ex about... err.. stuff, a really good friend of mine (who, even after we agreed to regard each other as non-existent from henceforth) told me to block him. If I were to be perfectly honest (...the irony, huh?), I saw it coming. I really did.

I'll spare you the lengthy post where I try to make myself out to be the victim, because in all actuality, I wasn't. Although, over the past few years, I've discovered that I tend to play the victim card a lot (...and really well, in fact). I guess it's a defense mechanism? Like, "Oh fuck, I'm in trouble.. Time to pull out the ol' sympathetic trump card". Yeah, no more of that.

I messed up, and I'll take responsibility for my actions.

#NothingLastForever

But I have to say this (to nurse whatever is left of my guilty conscience) - beneath all the sketchy lies and twisted stories I've imposed (past tense because its all in the past), I am a good person. I'm sorry but as far as confession goes, I'm standing firm on that statement. I admit that I got caught up in the imvu scene/drama (though let's face it.. imvu is a virtual volcano just begging for an explosion of drama - bad metaphor, I know), but when all is said and done, it was one hell of a ride and life goes on.

ツ | 3:50 pm

"...running away"

Why is my first instinct always to run away?

I remember a time where I used to be so in control of my actions, where whatever I did, I bore the consequences head on. But now, either I can't be bothered to face my problems or I've grown so accustom to the idea of 'running away' that it is gradually becoming my "go-to".

It's true what they say, "Running's good for avoiding things. But the problem is that you end up avoiding yourself."

Sure, it's easy, and there's a certain thrill that comes with it. Like, when on the run, it fuels the adrenaline and drives a guy like me to want to escape whatever I consider a "bad situation" that I'm in, to a self-idealized paradise (the whole "the grass is always greener on the other side" spiel). But it never is, because one way or another, I end up finding yet another excuse to change my environment [bored, emotionally abusive (or rightfully autistic) husband, self deprivation, the list goes on...].

This may be long-winded but.. tch, I needed to rant.

ツ | 12:45 am

Saturday, 12 September 2015

"...the aurora borealis"

Having resided here in Montana for (I'd say) a month and a half now, I've had my up's and down's. Relationships (...oh boy) are never easy and I can finally understand what my parents went through in their own marriage. You see, the thing is (not to over-philosophize this)... we're all humans. Really, that's all there is to it. We're either designed, conditioned or nurtured differently, more so for me seeing that I was raised in the Eastern hemisphere, later migrating to a Western one.

I'm a productive and efficient individual. Those are my strengths. I put logic, rationality and common sense above all else, which isn't always the most resourceful (or recommended) way when it comes to being a husband. Things here are more... (let's just say) "laid back", and dare I say, I'm starting to integrate to their way of living.

Maybe it isn't exactly the ideal type of marriage I had in mind, but fate has a way of opening my eyes to appreciate the simpler things in life. It's the whole "we get so caught up in the rat race of life" analogy that I'm about to preach, so I'll spare you that.

One word - resilience.

The food here is... beyond words. Things I usually wouldn't be able to buy at the grocery store back home are right around the corner here. Though fattening, they taste out of this world. And since I have an extremely high metabolism, I never have to worry about letting myself get out of shape. =P

A few nights ago, I witnessed something... spectacular.

I saw the aurora borealis (northern lights).

It lit up the night sky with a tidal green glow. Since young, I've always been mesmerized by such (...what I believe to be) breathtaking cosmic intervention. It also came about unexpectedly. My babe had to pull me away from playing a game on my computer to gaze upon the fascinating lights.

Guess that means I can check it off my bucket list.

I'm not about to go all 'Eat Pray Love' on you, but... if you take your time to grow up, invest more in spiritual benefits (like being in the moment, living in a world of limitless possibilities) rather than materialistic gains, and take leaps of faith (even ones that seem ridiculously thoughtless and treacherous), you'll reap an abundance of internal blissfulness.

At the end of the day, we really only ever live once, so who is to say we can't live rowdily, love recklessly and run wildly?

ツ | 9:13 pm

'ℬℴʋʈ ℳℯ

My name is Zachary (

)
Born on Christmas of '92 (

)

Gay (

) Separated (

)

I ❤ my best friends
«Jen Ross» and «Bekah»

ℳℴℴɖ

Ꮚɾ¡ʈʈℯɳ Ʈℎℴʋℊℎʈʂ

ℬʋʗҚℯʈ ℒ¡ʂʈ

☑ Find a best friend
☑ Learn to play the piano
☑ Be in a relationship
☑ See New York skyline
☑ Become a Game Sage
☑ Be part of a fraternity
☑ Play on a grand piano
☑ Lose virginity
☑ Have a pet kitten/cat
☑ Experience snow
☑ See the northern lights
❒ Ride a horse
❒ Sit cozily by a fireplace
❒ Build a snowman
❒ Dip a chocolate fondue fountain
❒ Release an album
❒ Be a farmer for a day
❒ See the HOLLYWOOD sign
❒ Join the circus
❒ Go skinny dipping
❒ Taste orkney ice cream