Jʋsʈ ɑ Ɓoƴ

Friday, 30 October 2015

"It's bittersweet..."

The more I allow myself to "feel", the more the memories haunt me.

Because it only happened recently, the wounds are still somewhat fresh. This was, after all, my first time entering a committed relationship with someone, so no matter how hard I try to function "normally" again, some parts of me still can't quite fathom the acerbity of walking away.

I need to learn how to... breathe again.

It's bittersweet... is what I'm saying.

Over the past few days, I've been mentally adjusting to the likelihood of going back home. Not only do I get to see my family again, I also get to start over when I come back here. Knowing that I'll always have a place to call home - here in Oregon with David - gives me some form of reassurance. Let's just call it a silver lining.

I plan to work hand in hand with a lawyer/an attorney (that is attributed to the federal government) to deal with all things concerning my immigration. I'm really lucky to have met someone like David in this lifetime. Lord knows where I'll be had it not been for him. He's my benefactor, and someday I'll repay the favor (...or pay it forward because kindness and charity works like that).

Having witnessed the ugliness in people left me with a kind of "blink-thrice disbelief" aftertaste that lingers. And although I'll relish the opportunity to someday reminisce over this ordeal, common sense had to come into play, which is why I decided to end the progressively-habitual dolor.

Is it sad and pathetic of me to just want... love?

Not money.

Not popularity.

Not even acceptance.

Just someone to grow old and share this cryptic life with...

#WoeIsMe

I write solely to expunge the joy, anger and melancholy that I bottle deep down inside. Words help me cope with the perplexity of life. It's my metaphorical form of a punching bag, considering how passive a person I am.

Don't misunderstand though.. I behave differently in real life because no one likes a "know it all". I'm psychologically aware of what is being said/done, but I also know how to detach myself enough from all these "cognizance" to fit into society.

Basically, what is written here should not reflect nor should it be a representation on how I portray myself in real life. I'm still a timid, submissive 22-year old who lacks the courage to speak up when taken advantage of. And I especially hate confrontation, so I usually wait till I have some personal space to transcribe how I feel onto here.

This blog is a... coping mechanism.

ツ | 1:05 am

Friday, 23 October 2015

"...my would-be divorce"

The difference between being an enabler and a true friend/supportive family member is that the former tells you what you WANT to hear, and the latter tells you what you NEED to hear.

My friends - after having told them about my would-be divorce - said I rushed into this marriage and it wasn't practical. They weren't surprised that it ended the way it did, and that's what I choose to surround myself and my beliefs with - integrity, honesty and calling it like it is.

Even when I was younger, my parents would hold me accountable and responsible for any misbehavior so I would learn from my mistakes and grow up to become a well-mannered person. They would groom and reprimand me, not pamper/spoil me to the point where the blame was immediately shifted onto the next/nearest person available that was a clear target when shit goes down.

Apparently I've become an exit valve yet again, and I'm shouldering all faults, but it doesn't matter, because I have my ethics and morals to live on. But I sincerely wish (...and pray) that his friends and family member would not sugarcoat this entire incident and tell him something along the lines of, "Everything was Zac's fault, not yours", for his sake - not mine. Despite what you may think, I still care very much about him, and I hope he finds whatever it is that he is looking for in life - though it probably isn't mutual.

I come from a place of love, and I'll walk away knowing that I did everything I could but it just wasn't good enough. I won't (and never have nor ever will) harbor hostility or point fingers, because my parents raised me better than that. But yes - I was in an abusive marriage.

Really, really think about it...

For every action, there's a reaction. It snowballs on and on...

On the next episode of Dr Phil...

ツ | 8:46 am

Thursday, 22 October 2015

"Marriage Life"

Prelude
Chapter 1 ✎ "Where It All Began"
Chapter 2 ✎ "Happiness! But... Short-lived"
Chapter 3 ✎ "Unfaithfulness Hurts"
Chapter 4 ✎ "Walk Away"
Chapter 5 ✎ "God Knows That I've Tried"
Chapter 6 ✎ "Never Again"
Chapter 7 ✎ "Someplace I Can Finally Smile"

(...) IMVU - the social networking site - was where it all began. My marriage life. I would be lying if I said I didn't know what I was getting into from the get-go. I'm usually intuitive, but for once in my life, I wanted to leave it up to fate. Y'know, see what it had in store for this little rebel.

When we first met, it was virtual - like how most love stories develop these days. We would engage in long hours of Skype calls to gather as much 'presence' from each other as possible (though cyber, we had built our own little world by then). He seemed nice and I instantly fell for his - and I know this is going to sound insanely absurd, but... - obsessive-compulsive behavior.

The things he would do repetitively made me feel a sense of stability, like... he was predictable. That's really all there is to it. And knowing me, I don't like (...and unless I really have to, hate adapting to) changes.

Back when we first cyber-dated, he would put on the movie Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs 2 every night before he went to bed and have it on in the background while he drifted off to sleep. I felt... (for lack of better word) ...safe. And yeah, we slept while on a Skype call because we simply couldn't detach from each other's company.

There was consistency, and even to this day, he still puts on a movie most nights before heading to bed. We have that in common, but I usually doze off to a wider array of content, namely YouTube videos, movies and reruns of my favorite TV shows.

So, yes.

We were - in my callow, naive and patsy lil' head - like two peas in a pod. But life... life doesn't ever go all that smoothly, now does it?

We ended up breaking it off after less than a week, and went our separate ways. It was easy for me then, because it was over the internet; can't say the same for now though. And here's why we broke up...

[I have gone through this over and over in my head (...like a thousand times); even tried to better myself (physically and assume another personality), but it will NEVER work between us.]

He...

....will ALWAYS want 'the next best thing' that comes along
....is never satisfied with what he has (gets bored of his possessions easily - me included)
....will go to the extent of lying/evading what he did as long as he gets what he wants

In other words - yea, you guessed it... - cheating.

And that fucking hurts :\

Well, that ended, and I locked away that part of my life. This happened back in April of this year. Since the relationship was short-lived, I wasn't too bummed out by it. But little did I know, there was going to be a sequel to this soon-to-be-destructive story.

I'll admit though... I didn't see it coming.

...to be continued

ツ | 12:19 am

Wednesday, 21 October 2015

(Click to enlarge image)

ツ | 3:05 am

Monday, 19 October 2015

"Marriage Life"

Prelude

For the rest of the year (...what's left of October, November and December), I'll be ventilating how marriage life is for a 22-year old boy, memories that I'm fond of, and others that I'm a little grotesque and/or disappointed by, especially with things that I've expected; turn reality, overwhelmed and took me by surprise.

The idea of getting married at such a young age, itself, is scary. Try adding the fact that I'm gay and in a whole other continent without any aid (financial or... otherwise) from my family for 8,500 miles. To top that off (as if it isn't already bizarre and crazy enough), I have to emotionally and mentally support my husband because he has autism and I love him so.

In all the phases of my life that I've been a part of - like getting drunk in Australia, or running away from home to Canada - this... this is by far the toughest challenge I have to face, ever.

Suddenly the petty things that I used to complain about back home seems minute ('my-noot').

Responsibilities, chores, being there for him at his beck and call...

It isn't easy, but I do it out of the sheer belief that this is... love.

Oh, and for the record, I'm not talking about responsibilities and chores for myself. I mean.. doing chores for myself, my husband and brother-in-law. The motivation it takes for me to muster up, especially when all they do is sit around, eat, play video games , sleep all day, and collect a monthly check from the government to put to food, rent and living expenses.

Knowing I'm not an unreasonably lazy person, I'll work as soon as I'm legally allowed to, but for now, I'll have to depend and rely.

This is the story of my life.

My marriage life.

...to be continued

ツ | 3:39 pm

Tuesday, 13 October 2015

Yesterday's paint work

(Click to enlarge image)
Duration: 4 hours

Today's paint work

(Click to enlarge image)

Duration: 7+ hours

ツ | 6:26 pm

Monday, 12 October 2015

"...slacker no more"

Today was nothing short of an exhausting day.

Woke up this morning and hopped onto Wizard101, as usual. Came noon, I got dressed and Scott, the landlord, summoned the three of us (Colin, Mason and I) to do some painting. Days before, Scott had offered Colin and I a job and said he would pay us $10/hours. Mason wanted in as well, so he joined us in painting the exterior of the apartment houses.

Colin and I donned a white one-piece bodysuit and got to work. I zoned out shortly after painting commenced and went into work mode*.

After about 4 hours, I handed the roller and paint brushes to Mason, stepped out of my one-piece suit and hosed down parts of my body where white paint on my skin was discernible.

Prior to the end of our work shift, Scott and his partner, Melissa, ordered us some pizza. We grabbed plates from our apartment and dug into the pizza box.

I'd say it was an eventful and productive day. I don't feel like such a slacker no more. For the next couple of days (...more than likely a week or two), the three of us will have to paint the rest of the apartment houses. I might take some pictures of our paint job (thus far) tomorrow.

Gotta be up early - at 8am - to start our 4-hours-a-day shift.

Until then...

*work mode is a state of mind where I temporarily deactivate all other core body mechanism (social, critical/creative thinking, time itself, awareness to said surroundings) to ONLY focus on getting the task at hand done.

ツ | 9:06 pm

Saturday, 10 October 2015

"My Celebrity Crush(es)..."

Gregg Sulkin

Nico Tortorella

Jake Miller

ツ | 8:05 am

Thursday, 8 October 2015

"The forever-people..."

I chose this life, so I need to man up and commit to this marriage.

Literally have NO time for drama, especially over the internet.

I'm better off being labeled as "the bad guy" or "the liar"

Let's just leave it at that.

You only live once.
#NoRegret

IMVU was a means to an end,

I played a role and now the show is over.

Either you're with me... or you're not.

"Some friends come into your life for a reason.

Others stay only for the season."

The forever-people are:

❤ my husband (Colin)
👊 my best friend (Jen), and
👍 my Romanian sister (Oana)

You can pin blames...

You can harbor hatred...

At the end of the day, it's within the confines of the virtual world.

I'll never seek out war or spout untold secrets

I'll never act, only react... accordingly.

Whatever reputation I used to have, consider it fictitious.

You may judge..

You may talk (y'know "mob mentality" or "urge to gossip")....

But that's the extent of what you CAN do.

Time will pass...

Memories will fade...

Life still goes on.

Now, for the million dollar question...

Am I happy with my life?

Yes

ツ | 2:35 am

Tuesday, 6 October 2015

"5 Things That Scares Me..."

As Halloween creeps its way into our lives each year, the curiosity to explore my own fear grows with each passing day. What exactly am I afraid of? Well, I'm about to reveal some things that I've read or come across online (articles, videos, etc) that sends shivers down my spine.

Here are 5 things that scares me...

"Ever Dream This Man?"

So at some point in the night as I was randomly browsing through Youtube videos (...like we all do), a video thumbnail caught my eye. It was a sketch of a man's face and the video was titled, "Ever Dream Of This Man?"

I did some light research on this phenomenon (google searches and whatnot) and it turns out that many people have encountered this particular man in their dreams.

Coincidence?

Hell if I know...

But it's scary to think that (if this subject is indeed true and isn't a hoax) there might possibly be a subconsciously-visual entity who is out there roaming about in all of our dreams...

Have I personally dreamed of him?

No.

Read more about this here - http://www.thisman.org/

Death of Elisa Lam

The gist of this tragic event was that a 21-year-old Canadian student disappeared after staying at the Cecil Hotel in 2013. Her body was later mysteriously found in a water tank.

Usually, articles like that wouldn't even come close to petrifying me, but the video footage that accompanied the incident gave me goosebumps all over. Dare I say, I was pretty shaken up.

Creepy, right?

Read more about this here - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Death_of_Elisa_Lam

'Nuff Said

No, but really... I love Caitlyn Jenner.

She's an inspiration and a hero in my eyes.

Ghost Caught On Hotel Security Camera

Another video I stumbled upon while browsing through Youtube videos from recommended searches (I watch a lot of scary shit). This one seems legit, unedited... and is kinda spooky.

The apparition at the end though. That... that was just downright chilling.

Anne

For some reason, I can't embed the clip onto this post (because it's not a Youtube video), but the narrator in the video explains it all.

Click here watch the video

Her eyes says it all, especially after what her father did to her. It was... sigh, no words can describe the abuse she went through, but "inhumane" and "torturous" comes close. Her father deserved what was coming, as she manifested a poltergeist to exact revenge on the cold-blooded murderer.

If I were her, I would have done the same to my killer.

/Just saying/

Happy soon-to-be Halloween! ツ

ツ | 7:13 pm

Saturday, 3 October 2015

"...+4 to TV Shows"

ツ | 12:38 am

Friday, 2 October 2015

"If I Hadn't..."

So lately, I haven't been able to fall asleep. I would lay in bed, toss and turn for a couple of hours, then sit up and hop back onto my laptop. Prior to this post, I was doing just that.

A thought crossed my mind while I was staring into the blankness that is unobtrusive and hallow.

'What am I fighting for?'

'What's my purpose? My endgame?'

When I was younger, my goal in life was clear - to make a difference by helping those around me. I used to... aspire! That has, evidently, changed over the years.

Then I started to think back to the friends I've made throughout my (now I see it as a mere...) existence. I've let far too many people down with my one-track mind and lack of hindsight. Sometimes I would reproach myself for being an utter disappointment to the people whom I've encountered and to those who have put faith in my friendship with them.

If I hadn't abandoned Keane to pursue a relationship with Alex...
If I hadn't ran off to Canada after being granted military exemption...
If I hadn't projected my insecurities and fear of getting cheated on to Jimmy...

Monogamy isn't the issue here, it's the choices I make. But... why?

Alex was willing to sacrifice undertaking a career in porn to be with me, but by then, I was already too paranoid of losing him to lust because the topic was brought up and suggested in the first place.

Steven was madly in love with me but I was too blinded by the (shred of) possibility that his feelings for Binx might resurface (even after he constantly reassured me otherwise), that I programmed a fail-safe in my fragile little mind, to hurt myself before he could hurt me (even though he wasn't going to) and that jeopardized what could have been a meaningful, lasting relationship.

And by the time I got to Scott and Jimmy, I was already.. projecting. Projecting to the point where I wanted to play both sides of the coin - the cheater and the victim. Everyone had my best interest at heart but I was (...or I still am) too distracted by "what could go wrong" that I decided to speed up what I assumed was "the inevitable" and cause a rift between us because it was considered orthodox to me by then.

You know... The worst part about this is that I realize where my problem lies at, but however hard I try to reach deep inside my memory to recollect the point in time of my life where it all began (the insecurities, paranoia, psycho-pacy), to no avail...

There are layers...

...and layers

...and layers of barriers that restricts me from fully opening up to someone without the contingency that I might get hurt in the process... somewhere along the way. It's madness.

Help!

ツ | 3:00 am

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