Jʋsʈ ɑ Ɓoƴ

Friday, 2 October 2015

"If I Hadn't..."

So lately, I haven't been able to fall asleep. I would lay in bed, toss and turn for a couple of hours, then sit up and hop back onto my laptop. Prior to this post, I was doing just that.

A thought crossed my mind while I was staring into the blankness that is unobtrusive and hallow.

'What am I fighting for?'

'What's my purpose? My endgame?'

When I was younger, my goal in life was clear - to make a difference by helping those around me. I used to... aspire! That has, evidently, changed over the years.

Then I started to think back to the friends I've made throughout my (now I see it as a mere...) existence. I've let far too many people down with my one-track mind and lack of hindsight. Sometimes I would reproach myself for being an utter disappointment to the people whom I've encountered and to those who have put faith in my friendship with them.

If I hadn't abandoned Keane to pursue a relationship with Alex...
If I hadn't ran off to Canada after being granted military exemption...
If I hadn't projected my insecurities and fear of getting cheated on to Jimmy...

Monogamy isn't the issue here, it's the choices I make. But... why?

Alex was willing to sacrifice undertaking a career in porn to be with me, but by then, I was already too paranoid of losing him to lust because the topic was brought up and suggested in the first place.

Steven was madly in love with me but I was too blinded by the (shred of) possibility that his feelings for Binx might resurface (even after he constantly reassured me otherwise), that I programmed a fail-safe in my fragile little mind, to hurt myself before he could hurt me (even though he wasn't going to) and that jeopardized what could have been a meaningful, lasting relationship.

And by the time I got to Scott and Jimmy, I was already.. projecting. Projecting to the point where I wanted to play both sides of the coin - the cheater and the victim. Everyone had my best interest at heart but I was (...or I still am) too distracted by "what could go wrong" that I decided to speed up what I assumed was "the inevitable" and cause a rift between us because it was considered orthodox to me by then.

You know... The worst part about this is that I realize where my problem lies at, but however hard I try to reach deep inside my memory to recollect the point in time of my life where it all began (the insecurities, paranoia, psycho-pacy), to no avail...

There are layers...

...and layers

...and layers of barriers that restricts me from fully opening up to someone without the contingency that I might get hurt in the process... somewhere along the way. It's madness.

Help!

ツ | 3:00 am

'ℬℴʋʈ ℳℯ

My name is Zachary (

)
Born on Christmas of '92 (

)

Gay (

) Separated (

)

I ❤ my best friends
«Jen Ross» and «Bekah»

ℳℴℴɖ

Ꮚɾ¡ʈʈℯɳ Ʈℎℴʋℊℎʈʂ

ℬʋʗҚℯʈ ℒ¡ʂʈ

☑ Find a best friend
☑ Learn to play the piano
☑ Be in a relationship
☑ See New York skyline
☑ Become a Game Sage
☑ Be part of a fraternity
☑ Play on a grand piano
☑ Lose virginity
☑ Have a pet kitten/cat
☑ Experience snow
☑ See the northern lights
❒ Ride a horse
❒ Sit cozily by a fireplace
❒ Build a snowman
❒ Dip a chocolate fondue fountain
❒ Release an album
❒ Be a farmer for a day
❒ See the HOLLYWOOD sign
❒ Join the circus
❒ Go skinny dipping
❒ Taste orkney ice cream