Jʋsʈ ɑ Ɓoƴ

Thursday, 24 March 2016

"What If's"

The world got dark way too quickly, and I'm stuck having to deal with people's problems and relentless insecurities. Not that I'm complaining, but I'm a firm believer in not dwelling on the "What If's" because you never know what tomorrow could bring.

As of today, I live in a world where I'm constantly being quote-mined for the things I say. Fear this, fear that.. And somehow I wound up being the culprit[?]. There's a difference between playing the victim and being the scapegoat. This time, I'm the latter.

People create unnecessary fears and project exaggerated scenarios in their head (play it over and over to where it becomes slightly fanatical), then shift all responsibilities and blame onto me. Why? Well, duh! Because I'm an easy target.

What they don't realize is how paradoxical their thinking is.

D: "You promised you would take care of me."
Z: "Yes, I did."
D: "But how can you do that if you have both headphones plugged in and can't hear my cry for help if I fall?"
Z: "Has it happen yet?"
D: "No. But what if it does?"

Worrying about 'What If''s' and setting expectations, it turns what could potentially be a fun and loving relationship into a chore/job - and no one likes that. No one.

By their logic,

- Should I stand at attention (military-style) and wait at their beck and call like a slave boy?
- Should I guard the bathroom like how the Secret Service would each time they go potty or shower?
- Should I compress all my emotions, sacrifice all the things I enjoy doing (like listening to music and watching shows I like with headphones in), eschew all activities just to satisfy a 'What If'?

Like with my ex-husband, I had to accompany him to the hospital countless of times when he had asthma attacks and massive migraines. I advised him to give smoking up, but he wasn't one to listen and I wasn't about to get confrontational. People refuse (...they just don't want) to believe that I'm actually capable enough to react intelligently when it comes to an emergency situation that warrants methodical action. If anything, use my previous marriage as a resume, because all I did was look after him.

Understand where I'm coming from, please.

I love taking care of people not because I'm obligated to, but because I - like many other humans on this planet - have compassion. When you set an expectation and quote-mine a promise I made, you turn a sentimental act I do out of love and grace into a contract; eventually a burden.

The paradox therein lies in wanting love, but creating an obligation with the person that drives him in the opposite direction; essentially contesting everything that should come naturally with love. And all for what? Something that you are paranoid would inevitably happen?

It makes no sense.

Be open to the likelihood that I will come to your aid if and when a tragedy strikes. Let things happen naturally, no sense in being a worrywart and fussing over a non-existent matter.

I say all of this with love, obviously.

ツ | 6:29 am

'ℬℴʋʈ ℳℯ

My name is Zachary (

)
Born on Christmas of '92 (

)

Gay (

) Separated (

)

I ❤ my best friends
«Jen Ross» and «Bekah»

ℳℴℴɖ

Ꮚɾ¡ʈʈℯɳ Ʈℎℴʋℊℎʈʂ

ℬʋʗҚℯʈ ℒ¡ʂʈ

☑ Find a best friend
☑ Learn to play the piano
☑ Be in a relationship
☑ See New York skyline
☑ Become a Game Sage
☑ Be part of a fraternity
☑ Play on a grand piano
☑ Lose virginity
☑ Have a pet kitten/cat
☑ Experience snow
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❒ Ride a horse
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❒ Build a snowman
❒ Dip a chocolate fondue fountain
❒ Release an album
❒ Be a farmer for a day
❒ See the HOLLYWOOD sign
❒ Join the circus
❒ Go skinny dipping
❒ Taste orkney ice cream